P90X and The Black Dog

P90X Week 3 – The Do Over

This week started off really very good. Despite being on a cut I managed to either keep or increase my numbers during Chest & Back. Tuesday was Plyometrics, not a bad workout I just hate rock star hops lol. I have been substituting in The Asylum Speed & Agility but changed it up this week. Wednesday was good old Shoulder & Arms. Again holding my numbers. 

But on Wednesday afternoon I was washed over with a wave of depression. The black dog so to speak had come home. The culprit, some bad news about a stressor that has once again been pushed back. I wonder at times if I am being tested like this on purpose. Just to see how far I can be pushed. I’m feeling particularly stressed at the moment and P90X is a welcome respite for me. I went to my counselling session yesterday afternoon. Sat down and just cried. There’s been a few more flashbacks this week than usual. One in particular was pretty bad when I caught a programme my wife was watching triggered me. It just hit a little to close to the knuckle. Stress makes the flashbacks worse or more frequent. Thankfully today it’s been a free and clear day, so far. Although as I type this I feel the thoughts creeping in. But that’s ok, they are thoughts and they will pass so let’s concentrate on finishing this. 

Despite no flashbacks today, I’m drained. Physically and emotionally drained to the point where I just couldn’t face P90X Yoga or any substitute this morning. I sat watching House of Cards S5 – well worth a look as it seems back in form. So I’m going to go swimming with the oldest this afternoon, once I finish this and the wife comes backs. 

It’s difficult to beat this current wave. I feel so overwhelmed and it’s a situation which is completely out of my control. That’s not what I’m used to, I’m usually in control. I can influence events, I can’t with this. I shouldn’t take it personally as it’s part of a process but it’s difficult not to find myself completely consumed by it. I catastrophise that’s part of the condition, that’s part of the autism and that’s just me. I have held on for so long. I can hold on a little longer. I can beat this. I will beat this.